One of the things that I am most grateful for happening to me in 2012 was that I found out for sure that I was sick. I had been afraid that I was sick all of my adult life, but did not know what it was. It is called Borderline Personality Disorder. It develops in early adulthood, so I have been sick for well over a decade. Now at the ripe old age of 27 I have finally discovered that what I have has a name, and that my fits of self-rage, lonesome blues, extreme self-devaluation and intense fear of abandonment are symptoms.
While I am not my illness, understanding the nature of it has helped me to understand and forgive myself. It has helped me come to grips with my life and have hope and courage to face what will come. It has also broadened my awareness of the many people suffering from mental health issues. This has been a very formative year for me. Difficult, intense, painful at times, but beautiful and necessary.
Without a doubt, though, the most beautiful and wonderful thing that happened to me this year was discovering that I had never stopped loving my ex-fiance. That we loved each other regardless of any illness. Whatever happens now, I know that I will not walk through life alone. And that is because of God, and my best friends and the man I love.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Reflections on 2012-The birth of Our Lord, The Flight into Egypt, The Holy Innocents
Merry Christmas Everybody! Wow...2012 is almost over already. Why does it seem like the more I mature, the faster the time escapes me? Anyhow, 2012 has been a very eventful year for me. It was a difficult and sad year in many respects. Yet it was joyful and wondrous and full of love and learning as well.
One of the things that happened that was sad was that at the beginning of the year I had begun a new life in a strange new place with a person who was untrustworthy. Then I had to run away from that family member and flee in the night and seek refuge in a women's shelter and aid from a convent of nuns. It is a very lonely feeling, running into the darkness, dragging your suitcase over the icy sidewalk, avoiding the gaze of drunks stumbling out of bars, and hearing only the moan and wail of the nearby railroad yard to drown out the ponderous silence...There is a special vulnerability to being a homeless young woman and being so alone. Hence, there is a special kind of courage that to which God calls me and all of the other ladies-young and old, from every race and social class and creed-who sheltered with me in that Safe-House, during that cold winter. I do not think I will ever forget that experience.
One of the graces that came from that experience blossomed this Advent Season. We all remember the horror as children, at the first mention of poor baby Jesus having no place to stay in Bethlehem. I remember telling the story to one of my baby siblings and she burst into tears. Another child looked at the infant Jesus doll nestled under the tree, picked it up, carried it to her room and set it in her doll's bed and covered it with blankets. I have always felt so sorry for St. Joseph at that moment in time. He had this unplanned responsibility of taking care of and protecting the Mother of God. Now he arrives in his town of Familial origin, obediently awaiting the census, Mary is big with child, and probably senses through the Holy Spirit that this will be the night that her Lord will be born! So he runs around knocking on inn doors and looking for a place to shelter the Queen and the infant King placed in his care and everywhere he goes people say, "I'm sorry, we simply have no more room. Try someplace else."
"No room for them in the Inn?" Really?
There is a young man standing out in the winter night with a pregnant teenager and NOBODY in all of Bethlehem can take notice of them or give them a safe place to give birth? Really?
The King of Kings has to be born in a heap of hay in a cattle stall and laid in a feed-box. Woo Hoo. Great job, world.
The memory of Christmas was still in the winter air as I called the Women's Shelter and explained that I had been assaulted and needed a safe place to stay until I could find a permanent place. "I have a job," I explained, "I am not on drugs, I have no criminal record and I am starting to get to know people in this parish, it will not be for long. The parish priest knows me! Please!"
"I am sorry. We simply have no room. Try someplace else," said the cordial sounding lady on the phone.
"I understand, thank you, anyway." I sighed and tried hard not to cry. My nose was running from the cold and I took off one mitten and used it as a handkerchief and felt very unladylike. "God," I prayed, "Help me! I can't go back to where I was. I won't go back. But I can't stay out here all day and all night! Please help me!" I walked to the public housing, and they were all full up too, with a looooooonnnnnggg waiting list. "In the winter, every place is always overflowing," They said, "Good luck finding ANYTHNG ANYWHERE!"
I kept walking to stay warm and tried to think of what place to try next. I called the social worker again and she was out of ideas. I called my parish priest again and explained my lack of success with him. "I feel so terrible about causing you all of this trouble, father! I am sorry!" "No!" the kind old, Irish priest said, "You need some help right now, and this is my job. Do not worry. Pray and don't worry. Keep being brave. God will find a place for you to stay tonight one way or another. There has to be room, somewhere!"
I walked to the other end of town to the Adoration Chapel and waited with Jesus. In the half hour or so that passed I though of Our Blessed Lady, expecting baby Jesus, waiting with St. Joseph for some place to open up. Finally having to walk to the outskirts to shelter in a cave. Then I thought about the other homeless outcasts who would be out on the street this cold winter night, or shivering in their car somewhere or huddled next to dozens of other strangers in a Salvation Army shelter. I thought of the ones who were struggling with mental health problems, ones who had abused with drugs and were haunted by criminal pasts. Compared to them, I was still very fortunate. Now it would be very hard for them to earn anybody's trust or charm the charity out of anyone. And they felt the cold the same as I did. They were as lonely as I. Except that I had a warm coat. I felt very sad for them and utterly powerless to help them when I could not even help myself. I prayed to God for them again. And then I kept praying for me. Then my cell phone rang.
It was Father A who had spoken to Sister B and Sister B wanted to meet me and see if she could help me. I blew my nose in my mitten again, stuffed it into my pocket and shuffled back outside to meet Father A and be driven to the convent. Sister B, it turned out, was on the board for the same Women's Shelter that I had called earlier. So after seeing me and hearing about my predicament, she called the Women's Shelter and informed them that they did have room for me. That they would have to make room on the couch if they had to. She said that she would put me up in a motel room herself, using her own precious savings, for three nights to give them time to make the necessary arrangements. I gave that dear old nun a big hug and thanked her with all of my heart.
This Advent, I was remembering all of this. Remembering the nights in the motel room, the flight in the dark, and the nine days that I spent in the Shelter before I found a home. Poor Baby Jesus. He was abandoned by the world and left out in the cold. For my sake, for the sake of us all, He willed to come into the world and be born in a barn. He chose to come into the world, when He knew, as God, that the wicked King would hunt him down and try to murder him. Poor St. Joseph and Our Blessed Lady! No sooner had they settled into a safe place, they had to arise, grab their things and flee into the night to an unfamiliar land.
One of the sorrows of the Immaculate Heart of Mary is the Flight Into Egypt. Did she know about the mothers who would weep for their murdered babies and toddlers when that fearful dawn broke to greet the Church's First Martyrs? Did she weep for her poor little son, who had to be plucked from His cradle and jostled on the back of a donkey across the desert because a ruthless tyrant wanted His infant blood? Did she feel a loneliness a thousand times greater than the loneliness I felt as I ran into the darkness toward the motel on the side of the highway. When she guided my steps on the icy road, had my Heavenly Mother's heart ached again for her adopted child (who was not nearly as brave and trusting as she had been in obeying God's command)? I ponder all of these things in my heart as I lift them up to God who has preserved me in all my adventures and upheld me in existence. I am so filled with gratitude in remembering all of this now. I am so grateful to God for the graces He gave me and the joys and sorrows that He lived within me. "The Almighty Has done great things for me. And Holy is His Name."
One of the things that happened that was sad was that at the beginning of the year I had begun a new life in a strange new place with a person who was untrustworthy. Then I had to run away from that family member and flee in the night and seek refuge in a women's shelter and aid from a convent of nuns. It is a very lonely feeling, running into the darkness, dragging your suitcase over the icy sidewalk, avoiding the gaze of drunks stumbling out of bars, and hearing only the moan and wail of the nearby railroad yard to drown out the ponderous silence...There is a special vulnerability to being a homeless young woman and being so alone. Hence, there is a special kind of courage that to which God calls me and all of the other ladies-young and old, from every race and social class and creed-who sheltered with me in that Safe-House, during that cold winter. I do not think I will ever forget that experience.
One of the graces that came from that experience blossomed this Advent Season. We all remember the horror as children, at the first mention of poor baby Jesus having no place to stay in Bethlehem. I remember telling the story to one of my baby siblings and she burst into tears. Another child looked at the infant Jesus doll nestled under the tree, picked it up, carried it to her room and set it in her doll's bed and covered it with blankets. I have always felt so sorry for St. Joseph at that moment in time. He had this unplanned responsibility of taking care of and protecting the Mother of God. Now he arrives in his town of Familial origin, obediently awaiting the census, Mary is big with child, and probably senses through the Holy Spirit that this will be the night that her Lord will be born! So he runs around knocking on inn doors and looking for a place to shelter the Queen and the infant King placed in his care and everywhere he goes people say, "I'm sorry, we simply have no more room. Try someplace else."
"No room for them in the Inn?" Really?
There is a young man standing out in the winter night with a pregnant teenager and NOBODY in all of Bethlehem can take notice of them or give them a safe place to give birth? Really?
The King of Kings has to be born in a heap of hay in a cattle stall and laid in a feed-box. Woo Hoo. Great job, world.
The memory of Christmas was still in the winter air as I called the Women's Shelter and explained that I had been assaulted and needed a safe place to stay until I could find a permanent place. "I have a job," I explained, "I am not on drugs, I have no criminal record and I am starting to get to know people in this parish, it will not be for long. The parish priest knows me! Please!"
"I am sorry. We simply have no room. Try someplace else," said the cordial sounding lady on the phone.
"I understand, thank you, anyway." I sighed and tried hard not to cry. My nose was running from the cold and I took off one mitten and used it as a handkerchief and felt very unladylike. "God," I prayed, "Help me! I can't go back to where I was. I won't go back. But I can't stay out here all day and all night! Please help me!" I walked to the public housing, and they were all full up too, with a looooooonnnnnggg waiting list. "In the winter, every place is always overflowing," They said, "Good luck finding ANYTHNG ANYWHERE!"
I kept walking to stay warm and tried to think of what place to try next. I called the social worker again and she was out of ideas. I called my parish priest again and explained my lack of success with him. "I feel so terrible about causing you all of this trouble, father! I am sorry!" "No!" the kind old, Irish priest said, "You need some help right now, and this is my job. Do not worry. Pray and don't worry. Keep being brave. God will find a place for you to stay tonight one way or another. There has to be room, somewhere!"
I walked to the other end of town to the Adoration Chapel and waited with Jesus. In the half hour or so that passed I though of Our Blessed Lady, expecting baby Jesus, waiting with St. Joseph for some place to open up. Finally having to walk to the outskirts to shelter in a cave. Then I thought about the other homeless outcasts who would be out on the street this cold winter night, or shivering in their car somewhere or huddled next to dozens of other strangers in a Salvation Army shelter. I thought of the ones who were struggling with mental health problems, ones who had abused with drugs and were haunted by criminal pasts. Compared to them, I was still very fortunate. Now it would be very hard for them to earn anybody's trust or charm the charity out of anyone. And they felt the cold the same as I did. They were as lonely as I. Except that I had a warm coat. I felt very sad for them and utterly powerless to help them when I could not even help myself. I prayed to God for them again. And then I kept praying for me. Then my cell phone rang.
It was Father A who had spoken to Sister B and Sister B wanted to meet me and see if she could help me. I blew my nose in my mitten again, stuffed it into my pocket and shuffled back outside to meet Father A and be driven to the convent. Sister B, it turned out, was on the board for the same Women's Shelter that I had called earlier. So after seeing me and hearing about my predicament, she called the Women's Shelter and informed them that they did have room for me. That they would have to make room on the couch if they had to. She said that she would put me up in a motel room herself, using her own precious savings, for three nights to give them time to make the necessary arrangements. I gave that dear old nun a big hug and thanked her with all of my heart.
This Advent, I was remembering all of this. Remembering the nights in the motel room, the flight in the dark, and the nine days that I spent in the Shelter before I found a home. Poor Baby Jesus. He was abandoned by the world and left out in the cold. For my sake, for the sake of us all, He willed to come into the world and be born in a barn. He chose to come into the world, when He knew, as God, that the wicked King would hunt him down and try to murder him. Poor St. Joseph and Our Blessed Lady! No sooner had they settled into a safe place, they had to arise, grab their things and flee into the night to an unfamiliar land.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
On The Third Day of Christmas
1-Talking to my darling boyfriend.
2-Taking a friend out for coffee.
3-Getting a ride home.
2-Taking a friend out for coffee.
3-Getting a ride home.
On The Second Day of Christmas...
Okay, so the things that I am grateful for that happened today/yesterday/during this season are as follows:
1-I got to sing at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve in the choir.
2-Caroling party on Christmas Day. There is nothing like singing around a piano with a steady alto, two valiant basses and a virtuoso tenor when you are a soprano. ;)
3-I got lots of books to read as presents! Just the thing for a bibliophile like me!
What are you thanking the Christ Child for today?
1-I got to sing at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve in the choir.
2-Caroling party on Christmas Day. There is nothing like singing around a piano with a steady alto, two valiant basses and a virtuoso tenor when you are a soprano. ;)
3-I got lots of books to read as presents! Just the thing for a bibliophile like me!
What are you thanking the Christ Child for today?
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
On the First Day of Christmas...
Merry Christmas ya'all!
Even though everybody expects you to be happy around the holidays, those of us struggling with our mental health know that it is not always that simple. But we are not the only ones, lots of folks get the Holiday Blues. It's okay. You are not an evil person because you cried on Christmas Day.
Maybe you miss your family because you could not afford to go visit them.
Maybe you lost your job recently and could not afford to buy your loved ones any gifts.
Maybe you work hard every day at a thankless job that does not pay well so you still could not afford to buy your loved ones gifts.
Maybe you just broke up with someone.
Maybe you are going through a divorce.
Maybe this time of year reminds you of a loved one who has passed away.
Maybe you don't even know why you are supposed to be happy during Christmas and you are depressed by the rabid displays of materialism, greed and hedonism that abounds this time of year. ("It's alright, Charlie Brown, I'll tell you what Christmas is all about.")
Maybe you are fighting depression, feel like a failure and are wondering if your life has any meaning. ("Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me Clarence, Please! I want to live again! I want to live again! I want to live again...Please, God...let me live again...")
Maybe somebody at school is bullying you and casting a shadow on your celebration. (In which case, don't make like Rudolph and just run away. Tell a Teacher, your parents, the School Counselor, your pastor, or your physical ed coach!)
You are all not alone, whichever the case may be. While gratitude is not the same thing as happiness and one does not follow automatically upon the other, it helps sometimes to start your day with three things that you are grateful for that happened in the last 24 hours. So for each of the 12 days of Christmas, I am going to share some of mine, in the hope that it will remind you of something that you can be glad about. ("Don't let's be gloomy! Let's play the 'glad game'!)
(singing) On the First Day of Christmas Baby Jesus Gave To Me...(hehe)
1. All the little children that I gave gifts to loved the small gifts of candy that I gave them! Yay! Gotta love unspoiled children!
2. A chance to go caroling for the elderly in my home town. I wanted to visit some people who might be lonely around Christmas or in pain. So I went with my choir from my parish and sang up and down the corridors and in the rooms in all the resting homes I knew about. You should have seen the smiles on their faces...it moved me to happy tears.
3. Lots of Ham, Turkey, Mashed Potatoes and Homemade Toffee!
Thank you Baby Jesus! Merry Christmas to All, God Bless you and go drink some Hot Cocoa with Peppermint Schnapps! Go eat some more turkey and ham! Go hug a relative you hardly know! Go kiss your loved one under a mistletoe! Go have a caroling party! Go eat a sugar cookie! Go build a Gingerbread house! Or just curl up on the couch with a blanket, put on a pair of silly-looking fuzzy socks and watch the Christmas movies that warmed your heart when you were younger and wiser. Sending everyone in the whole world lots of love and wishing you all peace and joy this holy season.
Even though everybody expects you to be happy around the holidays, those of us struggling with our mental health know that it is not always that simple. But we are not the only ones, lots of folks get the Holiday Blues. It's okay. You are not an evil person because you cried on Christmas Day.
Maybe you miss your family because you could not afford to go visit them.
Maybe you lost your job recently and could not afford to buy your loved ones any gifts.
Maybe you work hard every day at a thankless job that does not pay well so you still could not afford to buy your loved ones gifts.
Maybe you just broke up with someone.
Maybe you are going through a divorce.
Maybe this time of year reminds you of a loved one who has passed away.
Maybe you don't even know why you are supposed to be happy during Christmas and you are depressed by the rabid displays of materialism, greed and hedonism that abounds this time of year. ("It's alright, Charlie Brown, I'll tell you what Christmas is all about.")
Maybe you are fighting depression, feel like a failure and are wondering if your life has any meaning. ("Get me back to my wife and kids! Help me Clarence, Please! I want to live again! I want to live again! I want to live again...Please, God...let me live again...")
Maybe somebody at school is bullying you and casting a shadow on your celebration. (In which case, don't make like Rudolph and just run away. Tell a Teacher, your parents, the School Counselor, your pastor, or your physical ed coach!)
You are all not alone, whichever the case may be. While gratitude is not the same thing as happiness and one does not follow automatically upon the other, it helps sometimes to start your day with three things that you are grateful for that happened in the last 24 hours. So for each of the 12 days of Christmas, I am going to share some of mine, in the hope that it will remind you of something that you can be glad about. ("Don't let's be gloomy! Let's play the 'glad game'!)
(singing) On the First Day of Christmas Baby Jesus Gave To Me...(hehe)
1. All the little children that I gave gifts to loved the small gifts of candy that I gave them! Yay! Gotta love unspoiled children!
2. A chance to go caroling for the elderly in my home town. I wanted to visit some people who might be lonely around Christmas or in pain. So I went with my choir from my parish and sang up and down the corridors and in the rooms in all the resting homes I knew about. You should have seen the smiles on their faces...it moved me to happy tears.
3. Lots of Ham, Turkey, Mashed Potatoes and Homemade Toffee!
Thank you Baby Jesus! Merry Christmas to All, God Bless you and go drink some Hot Cocoa with Peppermint Schnapps! Go eat some more turkey and ham! Go hug a relative you hardly know! Go kiss your loved one under a mistletoe! Go have a caroling party! Go eat a sugar cookie! Go build a Gingerbread house! Or just curl up on the couch with a blanket, put on a pair of silly-looking fuzzy socks and watch the Christmas movies that warmed your heart when you were younger and wiser. Sending everyone in the whole world lots of love and wishing you all peace and joy this holy season.
Sunday, December 2, 2012
You Are Not Abandoned
Probably the most common trait of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) is the disproportionate fear of abandonment.
Now to those of you healthy people, people like me seem unstable and unbalanced to you (and rightly) because of the drastic measures that people like me take to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
To us, however, our extreme behavior makes perfect sense (that is why we are sick). For many people with BPD, one of the things that goes hand in hand with an unstable self image, is the frequent devaluation of self. Let me put it to you this way; if you believed in the depths of your being that you were unlovable (that you were a waste of everyone else's space, that you had no worth, that your face was a blight of nature, that God Himself could not bear the sight of you) then you would also know that abandonment was inevitable. Nobody stays with what they don't love. Nobody loves what is not loveable.
"But how in the world could ANYBODY think that about themselves? That your life has no worth! That you have no value as a person!? How could anybody think that about themselves?!"
Well...(wry smile)...that is why they call it a disorder. We are sick. I am sick.
And how do we get that way? There has been a lot of study that suggests that child abuse and neglect is linked to people who develop this disorder. You have to get warped and carefully trained to develop this emotional core belief about yourself.
So today is Sunday, and that is always a difficult day for me. Because it is a day I set aside to not drown myself in work and think about God. But if I think about God I need to think about my relationship with him.
I need to reaffirm to myself mentally that He is upholding me in existence at this moment. That He created me with LOVE and continues to uphold me in existence. He created by loveable and beautiful and good and with a purpose in mind. This to me is mind-boggling. And wonderful. And almost too good to be true. Almost too painful to think about. Thinking about God's love for me not being dependent upon or conditional of anything that I do is mind-blowing!
What is more familiar to me, hence less frightening, is attention-seeking. Doing good deeds to earn God's love. Wearing beautiful clothing to gain approval from my girlfriends, wearing "modest" clothing to gain "respect" from Christian families, wearing attractive colors to gain attention from men. Praising people so that they will tolerate your presence because you make them feel good about themselves. Never complaining or criticizing because then they won't like you anymore. Smiling so that you will make other people feel more at ease. Buying people gifts and picking up the tab so that you will not feel like you burdened people by spending time with them. Being "low maintenance" so they will leave you alone if they are mean, and not leave you alone if they are kind.
The idea of someone whose love I could NEVER EARN but who loves me ANYWAY is something very difficult to imagine. But it is something that I desperately want and need. It is what we all want and need, no matter how healthy, wealthy or wise we are.
Dear Lord,
Please touch us with Your healing hand. Help us to believe that You are always with us. Help us to know that we will never be completely abandoned. Please let me briefly feel a little of Your love so that I will feel a little safer. Today I resolve again to rest secure in Your love, and to resist to urge to try to gain your love and be dependent on the attention or approval that I get from others. Please help me. Amen.
God bless and keep us all.
Now to those of you healthy people, people like me seem unstable and unbalanced to you (and rightly) because of the drastic measures that people like me take to avoid real or imagined abandonment.
To us, however, our extreme behavior makes perfect sense (that is why we are sick). For many people with BPD, one of the things that goes hand in hand with an unstable self image, is the frequent devaluation of self. Let me put it to you this way; if you believed in the depths of your being that you were unlovable (that you were a waste of everyone else's space, that you had no worth, that your face was a blight of nature, that God Himself could not bear the sight of you) then you would also know that abandonment was inevitable. Nobody stays with what they don't love. Nobody loves what is not loveable.
"But how in the world could ANYBODY think that about themselves? That your life has no worth! That you have no value as a person!? How could anybody think that about themselves?!"
Well...(wry smile)...that is why they call it a disorder. We are sick. I am sick.
And how do we get that way? There has been a lot of study that suggests that child abuse and neglect is linked to people who develop this disorder. You have to get warped and carefully trained to develop this emotional core belief about yourself.
So today is Sunday, and that is always a difficult day for me. Because it is a day I set aside to not drown myself in work and think about God. But if I think about God I need to think about my relationship with him.
I need to reaffirm to myself mentally that He is upholding me in existence at this moment. That He created me with LOVE and continues to uphold me in existence. He created by loveable and beautiful and good and with a purpose in mind. This to me is mind-boggling. And wonderful. And almost too good to be true. Almost too painful to think about. Thinking about God's love for me not being dependent upon or conditional of anything that I do is mind-blowing!
What is more familiar to me, hence less frightening, is attention-seeking. Doing good deeds to earn God's love. Wearing beautiful clothing to gain approval from my girlfriends, wearing "modest" clothing to gain "respect" from Christian families, wearing attractive colors to gain attention from men. Praising people so that they will tolerate your presence because you make them feel good about themselves. Never complaining or criticizing because then they won't like you anymore. Smiling so that you will make other people feel more at ease. Buying people gifts and picking up the tab so that you will not feel like you burdened people by spending time with them. Being "low maintenance" so they will leave you alone if they are mean, and not leave you alone if they are kind.
The idea of someone whose love I could NEVER EARN but who loves me ANYWAY is something very difficult to imagine. But it is something that I desperately want and need. It is what we all want and need, no matter how healthy, wealthy or wise we are.
Dear Lord,
Please touch us with Your healing hand. Help us to believe that You are always with us. Help us to know that we will never be completely abandoned. Please let me briefly feel a little of Your love so that I will feel a little safer. Today I resolve again to rest secure in Your love, and to resist to urge to try to gain your love and be dependent on the attention or approval that I get from others. Please help me. Amen.
God bless and keep us all.
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